Total disclaimer: I have not seen the original Road House with Patrick Swayze. With that in mind- everything in this review is based solely on how I felt about this film’s attempt at telling a Road House story. I will do my best not to make any assumptions about the original film, but that will probably only go so far.
Road House stars Jake Gyllenhaal as a drifting former UFC fighter named Elwood Dalton. Dalton is eventually found and hired by Frankie- the owner of The Road House in the Florida Keys- to be the head of security against the rowdy and violent crowds each night. Among the violent crowds are henchmen for a mob boss that wants to destroy The Road House and now Dalton who stands in his way.
Road House is too bad to be based and not cool enough to be sick. Rather than this review being a list of things that were bad, this is a review of me losing my mind. Enough shop talk. I watched Road House and it gave me feelings about films I did not know existed in me still.
Out House (Introductory Thoughts)
I recently reviewed Netflix’s Spaceman, which you can check out right here. In my review I made note how I thought the film was good, but it needed more to go beyond the “good” ranking. I feel that Road House would not benefit from having more, or even less, of anything. Okay, but what if I played the Devil’s advocate? What if there was something to take out to enhance this movie? Well, the answer to that is simple: this movie.
Since I have no connection to the original film, it is not my place to say whether this movie is an unnecessary sequel or not. However, I can definitely say that this movie did not need to happen whether there was an original version or not. I recognize that there is a new wave of muscular action boys who are good representations of this generation of muscular action boys. Fine. Not Jakob Gyllenhaalob though.
Theater House (Performances)
On the topic of Jakobious- every performance in this movie is terrible. Gyllenhaal is a good actor and he brings a good performance a vast majority of the time. This is definitely not one of those times, because I can tell he tried adding some nuance to Dalton’s character. Let me stop you right there, bud.
Conor McGregor is in this movie and he is Welterweight levels of Conor McGregor (nuts). You do not need a warrior’s stoicism. There is no need for the polite fighter. Please stop the “mysterious drifter who happens to be an ultra-skilled combatant” trope. I beg this of you now and I have been begging for the latter for a few years now. I digress, but all three of these wrapped into one already bland character is a weak move.
Gyllenhaal delivers, quite possibly, his most plastic performance yet. Conor McGregor is not good, but he is certifiably the most entertaining character in here. He showed up an hour-ish into the movie, so until then we dealt with a bad protagonist surrounded by terrible supporting characters. Not only are all characters as lame as Dalton, but their performances are all bad too.
Theater House 2 (Continued)
Earlier this year I reviewed Netflix’s Lift starring Kevin Hart. In that slop of a film I neglected to give attention to any of the cast members, because I could not tell you who was in it, besides Hart. Unfortunately, Road House forced me to remember Lift, because both films feature Billy Magnussen. Now- I have no personal issues with Magnussen.
In fact, I had never heard of him until Lift, and I think these two films are a horrible start. Right now Magnussen has a professional record of 0-2. In Lift he was a bland side character and in Road House he was an over-selling, yet boring, antagonist.
Another big supporting character is Charlie, a teenager who runs a bookshop with her dad, Stephen. I will save us all some time- she is so unnecessary. Speaking of unnecessary is the comic relief character Moe. Moe never stopped talking and most of his talking was just bumbling. Not only was this character unnecessary, but annoying.
Ultimately, every performance in this movie is either super unnecessary, awkward, or totally bizarre. There is not one performance, or character that feels normal. Everyone feels off for one reason or another and sometimes it is hard to figure what the deal is. Look, acting is hard, and it is not something I am good at. Criticizing something that I can not do myself is unfair, but I could totally have given better performances in any role, except maybe Conor’s. That was all him.
Fighter’s House (Fight Scenes)
None of the violence was fun to watch. Actually, this is a small lie. The first fight sequence is Dalton, literally, slapping around a biker gang. That was funny and got me a little excited for the rest of the fights. Unfortunately, after that everything was just kind of okay. Even the flashback scenes to the UFC fights were average.
Mystic Mac may not be known for having the greatest technical mind in all of combat sports, but Conor is a sharp fighter. It sort of baffles me that they did not, at the very least, consult him for some ideas on how to make those fights interesting. They definitely stole the running flying knee from Masvidal v Askren, but I can assure you- Dalton is not Street Jesus.
I did, however, also enjoy the final fight between Knox (McGregor) and Dalton. The more I have been sitting on it, the more I realize I had a good time watching the lads beat each other into a paste. The fight was not very clean, but it never needed to be and I think that actually worked more in its favor.
I will give Dalton a little bit of credit, because the slapping gimmick would probably be box office gold. Real talk- if a current roster talent, in any promotion and at any weight class, could find a way to make slapping your opponents work as a thing they did, that would be insanely entertaining. I digress.
Fun House (Wrap-Up)
I think you get the point of everything, so this is where we wrap things up and talk about Road House overall. Yes, I have so many complaints and dislikes about this new addition to this franchise. However, in spite of every piece of negative criticism given here, I still think this film was entertaining. Is that a good thing? Kind of. There is so much wrong with this movie, but at no point was it boring.
For every cringy line delivery, there is a good chuckle behind it. Each time someone gets rowdy at the Road House, there is a guarantee that the fight will be a bit silly. The chances are around 93% that I will never watch this movie again. However, I can not say I had a bad time watching Road House.
Conor is a total meme, Jake is plastic, and everyone else takes everything way too seriously. The plot makes some sense, but it is not good. Much of this movie could absolutely be improved, but maybe this would not have been as dumb of a time as it was. Maybe for some this was a huge let down and missed the spirit of the original film, I do not know, and I do not care about that.
If anything, I am so glad this movie was so dumb. What should I have actually expected from a movie with the debut of Conor McGregor and a former UFC fighter protagonist? Setting minimal expectations was a good move. Those were met and I managed to walk out of this with decisive thoughts that this was so below average.
Road House by Doug Liman
Road House was a strange experience. While I do not think this movie is a clean recommendation, if you are looking for something so mind-numbing and flaccid then this might be perfect. This is not to knock anyone’s tastes in movies, or anything like that, but I found Road House to be a little lame and pretty bizarre, but totally entertaining. Check out Road House if you want. You can view it now on Prime Video and I give Doug Liman’s Road House a 4/10. For more reviews and bad movie slander be sure to check back here at Respect My Region!
