Genie is the 2023 remake of the 1991 tv movie Bernard & The Genie. The film starred Alan Cumming, Rowan Atkinson, and Lenny Henry. Hilariously, the film had a slogan attached to it. It read, “Aladdin’s lamp comes of age in a hip Christmas fantasy for all ages” and I think that is so cool. What is not cool is how 2023’s Genie feels like it is still stuck in the ‘90s.
Starring Melissa McCarthy, Alan Cumming, Paapa Essiedu, and Luis Guzman, Genie is a fart from a cup rather than anything close to magical. Since this ‘tis what audiences are calling “The Season” let us kick off December with a Christmas Crapfest.
Cliches
Genie follows a guy named Bernard Bottle. This is a terrible name and this movie lost me already. Bernard works for a super rich guy that sucks. Bernard misses his daughter Eve’s birthday so his wife Julie takes Eve to live with her mom. On his way home from work, Bernard had a large stuffed teddy bear that fell off his dumb moped.
When he gets home he pretends to have something for her, but grabs an old little jewelry box. This box is what contains Melissa McCarthy in Genie form. Bernard’s goal is to try and win back his family’s attention. Describing that basic plot claimed the lives of three of my creative brain cells.
There are some movies that, despite knowing what the premise is and what kind of energy will be present, it might still be worth going in open minded. I tried with Genie, but almost immediately there was an aura of irredeemability. Shame on me? Should I have known better? I never learn, so no, not really.
The irredeemability is, if anything, right in the description of the plot. There is a blend of four different movie archetypes in one plot, yet none of them work. Everything from the working father trying to redeem himself trope to the magical character discovering and fixating on a modern person/ idea joke is here. Having an unoriginal and uninspired plot is bad and lame, but it would be slightly forgivable if it was at least charming or cute. There is no soul in this movie and everything is cliche and bland.
Soullessness and Directionless-ness
Glass is more alive than Genie. What we have on our hands here is a case of actors reciting their lines. There is not a single moment in this entire movie that feels like anyone is acting, playing a character, trying to have fun, or do anything other than remember what words were written for them. Given Melissa McCarthy’s record with obvious improvisations, there is no shadow of doubt in my mind a majority of her lines were ad-libbed.
I do not dislike Melissa McCarthy, because I know she is funny. It continues to baffle me that directors continue to allow her to ad-lib in almost everything she does. McCarthy is funny when she is given a good script and strong direction. I do not know what percent of Bridesmaids was improv, but with Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo’s strong script, anything could have been planned or unplanned.
To have made the improving bearable, Genie would have needed a script or any kind of directing to begin with. Cliches are all over the place and turned up to an irritating degree. Just because you have a Christmas movie with a genie does not mean there has to be a scene where the protagonists go to a line of children for Santa and grant them everything they wish for. It is so lame.
Genie and Holiday Cheer
The least they could have provided was some holiday cheer. Christmas movies are generally pretty light and fun and not worth spending much time thinking about other than what joy they provided. Joy was nowhere to be found, but confusion certainly was. For every advancement in Bernard’s plan to win his family back, Genie went in some other strange direction. I will admit that once or twice I thought it could lead to something interesting, but I realized there was ten minutes left and nothing could really be done about it.
The craziest thing to me about this whole movie is how they use the magical element so much and in so many different ways, but none of it is fun. 80 percent of this movie must have been written by a third grader. This third grader is not even a cool, likable, or sweet third grader. He sucks, his movie sucks, and Mrs. Johnson will not be happy with his math homework. I digress.
I firmly believe that for any Christmas movie to officially pass the test there should be a group of people solely dedicated to seeing if a holiday movie gives them any cheer at all. All they would need to do is crack a little smile and feel kind of warm inside. They would not even have to think it is funny. A smirk is the absolute bare minimum needed, because I guarantee this did not produce that for me.
Genie Directed by Sam Boyd
Honestly, I think I am going around in circles, so I will stop here. You get the point. Genie is not very fun, it is not interesting, and it is definitely not worth wasting time on. Everything about this movie is false and none of it is entertainment. Genie is lame, annoying, bland, devoid of anything, and the most skipable movie since Heart of Stone. I will now go and watch season 4 of Gilmore Girls to remember how good Melissa McCarthy really is. Genie is a 1/10 and you can check it out on Peacock, if you want to.
