One of the best things about my job is getting to see the total crap that comes out at the beginning of each new year. Although I prefer actual substance or, at the very least, some entertainment nine times out of ten, there is nothing like experiencing something so dull it hypes you up with irritation. Kevin Hart’s film Lift is a Netflix original heist/ drama/ action/ comedy movie.
The film follows Hart as Cyrus Whittaker, a “Charming” and “Cunning” master thief who is recruited by Interpol to steal $500 million in solid gold… for… reasons. Oh yeah, and also his dang ex-girlfriend works for Interpol and convinces him to take the job. Kevin Hart’s new film, Lift sucks, and scorched earth is my only solace. Let’s go.
No, It is Just Bad
Let me start off by making it clear there is no “Good” section here. Lift is annoying, boring, flavorless, cliche, and sloppy. The biggest compliment I can give this is that at least Hart is not the most bland, nor the most annoying character. I came to the realization that I was either groaning at everything or asking myself “What the hell does that even mean,” too late into the movie. Had I paid enough attention I probably would have hired a statistician to figure out my complaints per second while watching Lift.
There is quite a plethora of nothing happening here. Even in the times when something happens- it is frustrating and pointless. The relationship between Cyrus (Hart) and his ex girlfriend/ Interpol operative coworker Abby (Gugu Mbatha-Raw) is a total distraction. In all fairness, it is like using a glass of water as a distraction for a bigger glass of water.
Lift is Confusing
Now when I say “Lift is confusing” There is nothing actually confusing about it. The plot and characters are as predictable as they possibly can be. The confusion comes from within the shallowness of everything. So Big Kev Dawg has to steal gold from a plane. The gold is headed right to a bad guy. What does the bad guy want with the gold? To pay some people. Who are these people and what do they do? I have no idea, but some destruction happened somewhere in the world and it ties into this.
Throughout all of this, not only could I not even be bothered to learn anyone’s names, but you could not have paid me a penny to figure out what is actually going on. I will put this as plainly and as simply as this movie is: I do not care. There is nothing that can convince me to give a breath of interest. If anything I am left with heaving breaths on the side of my face. Flames- flames on the side of my face.
Now I am Just Mad
Last year I had nothing but contempt for Heart of Stone. This year, I am starting things off right with a proper seething for Lift. The biggest difference between Heart of Stone and Lift is how much I want Netflix to make another of these. If Netflix has any spine they will make another of these. I am directly calling out all Netflix executives, Kevin Hart, F. Gary Gray, and everyone else who worked on this movie to make another one.
Lift was awful. Every second of it was one pointless cliche mashed in with another abysmally pointless cliche. Every character is astonishingly weak. There are six people in this group of thieves and every single one of them is removable. Hell- you can take three of them out, and not only would that have made this movie incrimentally easier to comprehend, but it would have made everyone else stick out more.
Kevin Hart so badly wants to be a smooth operator, but I truly believe he is half asleep throughout this whole movie. The same goes for Vincent D’Onoforio. His character is the “Master of Disguise” cliche, but he is just the same guy in every scene. Riddle me this one, Batman: If you are a chameleon and you only put on a goatee to change up your look does that really make you a chameleon? Short answer? No. Long answer? No. Lift does not get the basic fundamentals of group dynamics and I do not know how.
“Lift” More Like “Limp” (No Bizkit)
I was going to close it all out with this section, but then I remembered the terrible NFT stuff in the beginning and end of this. I have always anticipated a wave of NFT based plot lines in movies and so far I have been fortunate enough to avoid it all up until now. Fortunately I have been able to avoid talking about
So. Lift starts with Kevin’s Hearts stealing an NFT that is worth some stupid amount and it has cameras in it. Those cameras will come into play in the final moments of the film. Typically the setup and knock down from two separate events plot works for me. Given that this reprieve was NFT based, I do not think anything has made me want to scream more than when they brought it back.
God, as if this movie already did not have enough crap going on they shoe-horned in two scenes with NFTs. Jean Reno killed a woman in the end and I wished they let him get away with it. If the NFT camera was not able to project onto the bottom of the plane (don’t ask) then Reno could have had everyone arrested. Truth be told that would have been a much more interesting way to end this, but no one who made Lift has any semlence of daring creativity. Screw my ideas, I guess.
The NFT stuff is another glorious testament to how totally devoid this film is of anything substantial. Lift reeks. Everything about it is bad, boring, sloppy, uninspired, lame, under-utilizing of what could make it tolerable and over indulgent in everything else that ruins my nights.
Lift by F. Gary Gray
I think I should end it here. You get the idea that Lift is a steaming pile, and I am not sure if I recommend it. If a movie sucks, but there is something fantastical about its horror then I would recommend it. Lift is so good at running the line between unbearable slop and laughably dumb. There will most likely be a few movies in 2024 that I will be confident in their ratings and Lift is certifiably one of them. 1/10 and it was not hard at all. You can check out Lift on Netflix now, if you want too.
