Well here we are again- the end of another year. 2023 was a pretty loaded year in terms of the movies, world events, and my own life. Whether you had a good year, or a terrible one, hopefully you at least consumed some good media. I know I did! None of that good media will be here on this list today.
I watched 51 new films this year and have come to a comfortable ranking with everything seen. Some big films will not be on here as my access to theaters and some streaming services were/are limited. I did what I could and conjured what I was able to.
Enough of that now. We have a lot of ground to cover, so, without further ado, let’s get going. Here is the bottom of the barrel. This that “Cinema is doomed” type beat. These are the stinkers, people. Here are 10 of the biggest bad movies from 2023. Let’s kick it all off with one you already know and should not be a surprise:
#51: Genie
Maybe it is cheating to include this on this list, but not only did this come out in 2023, but this is a remake with big name talents. You can read my full review on the movie right here, if you want to. The gist of the matter is simple: this barely qualifies as a movie. There are some movies with slightly higher positions where nothing happens but there is at least one redeeming moment. Genie has nothing.
I will definitely admit I have some bias putting this at the bottom, because Christmas movies, whether entertaining or not, are generally not good movies overall. There are, of course, some exceptions, but this is so totally not one of them. Genie sucks. It is boring, devoid of any semblance of life, and an overall waste of time. 1/10- do not name your protagonist Bernard.
#50: Meg 2: The Trench
Okay, now this one is definitely my fault. The Meg should have been a terrific disaster, but it was just annoying and boring. It is not like I was going into Meg 2 hoping to sink my teeth into a Megalodon resurrection research rabbit hole, but a little entertainment would have been cool. Big freakin’ sharks are cool. Robot mech suits at the bottom of the ocean are not cool. Actually, they totally are, but not in this conext.
Do you know the scene in Guardians of the Galaxy when the Nova Corps is surrounding Ronan the Accuser’s ship with their fleet? Everything was working up until the point when one of the pilots loses control and breaks the formation. That is verbatim how I felt watching the stupidity of this movie continue on and on. Everything was dumb for a bit, but in the end I crumbled and wanted to chew a pillow.
If a movie is dumb or stupid, there is a good chance I will still enjoy it. Fill that stupid with more dumb, and the final product is just a terrible time. The only reason this places slightly higher is because there is a big shark and this is not a Christmas film. 1/10- the shark is not even the focus and this is boring.
#49: Heart of Stone
A big ‘Congratulations’ is in order to Mrs. Gal Gadot! She has graduated from winning the spot for the worst movie of 2022- Death on the Nile– to a bronze medal in 2023. Here’s to hoping she escapes the bottom 5 bad movies in 2024! Cheers, ma’am. I also already wrote a review on this film, so if you are inclined to read more about it you can check it out right here. Heart of Stone should consider itself lucky that there are two other movies that have less explainable dreadfulness in it.
I was so certain this was going to be the worst of the year. There is a chance that if I were to rewatch the film I could agree again and change it to #50. That would require me to rewatch Heart of Stone and that thought alone makes me want to scream. Heart of Stone is lame, irritating, inconsistent, cliche, and irksome. Get out of my face, leave me alone, and I will see you in Hell, Heart of Stone. 1/10- This sucked.
#48: Blue Beetle
Of everything I have seen this year, Blue Beetle is the most disappointing of them all. Representation, a young cast, and a fun character should have made this at least a sure-fire good enough time. “The Fool” is what they called me, and with my naivety for superhero movies, I agree. Why do we keep going in these circles? Why must we humans suffer? I was so ready for Blue Beetle to be good, but oh man, oh dang, it was not.
I am not a fan of George Lopez, but seeing him here was a move I was okay with. Turns out Lopez was the best character through the whole thing. The whole “anti-government/ conspiracy uncle” schtick worked well for Uncle George. Other than that, everyone else is pretty unlikable, stale, or walking cliches. Abuelita was cool and got a laugh out of me.
Blue Beetle is the same thing that most other superhero movies are these days: shallow. Part of what lands Blue Beetle so low is definitely how subpar the final product was, but most definitely how disappointing it was. My days of being a comic film fan are not very far behind me. My hopes are still going to be high for movies like this to be real fun and not soulless silliness. You let me down, Blue Beetle. You just needed to be cool but you are a 2/10. Make better characters and visual please <3!
#47: Paradise
This one slipped through the cracks this year, and that is quite alright. Paradise is a German language original Netflix film. In the distant future, society has the ability to transfer years of life to others. In order to pay off a debt, Max, a researcher for the project, discovers his wife has given 40 years to the organization. Max then goes to get revenge or something like that. Maybe I was not in the mood to watch an international film or maybe this film just stunk. About two scenes grabbed my actual attention, but I could not tell you what those scenes were or what else even happened in this movie.
There was a subplot about terrorists or something and I think I liked that when I was watching. I think. Look, I am not here to sell you on this movie. This one bored me a bunch. Almost every time things seemed to get interesting- it just continued on in its sloggy ways. Anyway there is not much else to say about this one. 2/10- If I could remember this movie I would probably still not like it.
#46: The Mother
Hello, Jennifer Lopez. You are in a very milquetoast film. Hello, Paul Raci. You deserved an Oscar for The Sound of Metal. The Mother is generic and lackluster. To this day, I can still hear how loud my eyerolls were while watching this. My expectations going into this were already tepid, so I was not hoping to be swept away nor defeated from this. Suffice to say I left feeling defeated.
Lopez is more like a sore thumb in the cold assassin role rather than a silent badass. While I would not describe myself as a “Cold Assassin” I would say I am cold towards this character type. It frustrates me when a character needs to keep a secret and remain cold for a specific purpose most of the time anyway, but they are just doing it to do it. That is really what a lot of this movie is. Things just happen because they say so. 2/10- This is as self indulgent as Gerald Broflovski in South Park smelling his own flatulence.
#45: Rebel Moon Part 1: A Child of Fire
Not only is the title a mouthful, but also ludicrously pretentious. It just gets worse. “Rebel” is cool. “Moon” is interesting when paired with Rebel. “Part 1” is dumb. “A Child” loses me right away, but the “of Fire” part drives up the walls. Fun fact: the rest of this movie drives me up the wall! This movie also frustrates me to no end. From the jump, we are loaded with information and a whole bunch of nothing.
This franchise wants so desperately to be a sci-fi epic, but ultimately feels like what general parodies of sci-fi are. Oh? The Evil King of The Nine Galaxies is putting Evil Element into the air? And now he plans to control the Trebular System to satisfy his lust for production of gleem? We need a rag tag group of individuals, who come from distant lands, and perspectives that will fight. I joke, but this false plot is more than what actually happens.
A majority of this movie is recruitment. We zip from scene to scene- planet to planet- picking up a new person. Each new setting looks kind of cool…I guess, but there is nothing to care about. I do not care. There is absolutely nothing tying me here to this movie. I am giving this a 2/10, because I do admire the ambition, but this was a slog to get through.
#44: M3gan
I do not want to hear it. “But it is campy and silly and supposed to be bad” does not register for me. M3gan took itself so seriously and the “fun” that it had was bad. Shakespearean tragedies, like Old, are what society needs more of in its veins. I would like to say that M3gan falls here, but alas. The two films are apples and oranges, but the difference between the two is what they do with what they have. Old leans so heavily into the craziness of a beach that makes you old. Not M3gan, though. This is a bad movie.
In nearly every scene, I was begging for M3gan to get silly. I chuckled, sure, but it was not for tongue-in-cheek purposes. There is an overprotective artificial play toy in front of you and she just kind of hangs out menacingly. Megan gets physical with a broski, yes, but the overwhelming amounts of forced emotion get irritating. Digging back into M3gan a bit, I re-remembered that Megan sang Titanium by David Getta as a lullaby. We were so close to greatness. In any other context that could have been so funny, but alas. 2/10- that dance sequence was really stupid, by the way.
#43: 65
It is okay for Adam Driver to have a bad movie in his discography. Everyone has at least a few stinkers, so I am not mad he sucked in this. I am mad, however, that a 90 minute movie of Adam Driver fighting dinosaurs after time traveling sucks majorly big time. THAT SENTENCE IS SO COOL! I will never forgive Sony for turning some of the coolest pairings of words in cinema history into a bad movie. 65 was never going to be a good movie. That was understood. Much like the majority of films before this one, 65 was not fun.
What separates 65 from the others is its heart. I think it all sucks and is a waste, but it is more appealing this time. A father trying to get back to his daughter while protecting his daughter-figure is good enough. I do not get how they managed to mess this one up. My excitement for 65 was pretty low, but they did not have to go and prove me right. In summation, this is boring, a huge missed opportunity, and a 2/10.
#42: The Pale Blue Eyes
Christian Bale is the Tony Ferguson of Hollywood. They are both reliable talents that are so good at their craft- you know you are in for a show when you see their name. Much like Tony Ferguson’s frighteningly killer 12 fight win streak in the UFC, Bale in his prime was one of the most dangerous men walking in his respective field. Throughout Bale’s career we have seen a bunch of his box office highs and critical lows, and with the current streak he is on now, I am concerned. On an unrelated note I am praying Tony snaps his 7 fight losing streak.
Last year, Bale placed in low spots on my list twice. Thor: Love & Thunder and Amsterdam were not entirely his fault, they are blemishes that I wish he had nothing to do with. All of this is to say the same thing for this film The Pale Blue Eyes. Talk about disappointment from all angles. A blossoming Harry Melling is a young Edgar Allen Poe in a military camp where the murder of a young officer has taken place. To investigate the murder is the mysterious Detective Landor (Bale).
Based on that description alone, this could have been interesting. Even though I do not particularly enjoy director Scott Cooper’s work (Hostiles, Out of the Furnace) this still could have been good. Instead, Blue Eyes was a trudge, the plot twist was kind of lame, and the direction was flat. The only thing I can say I liked was the atmosphere, I guess. 3/10- lame.
The Bottom of 2023
Making lists filled with hate is fun until it becomes a circle of the same thing. As you can tell- I think hating on these bad movies from the past year is a good time. The trash this year ranged from obnoxious self indulgence to lifeless dumpster water. I love my job and I can not wait to talk about the good movies from 2023. Stay tuned!
